Stubborn Heart

"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart." Ezekiel 36:26 NLT

I will be the first to admit that my heart is stubborn and I would go as far as admitting it could be on the stony side as well...but admitting that doesn't change it or make it okay. I am a yeller, I yell when things get out of MY control...I know yelling doesn't do anything but make my throat hurt or raise my blood pressure, but I still yell...It doesn't solve anything or even make people listen to me, but I still yell...

 

I am the mother of 3 beautiful, healthy children, 2 girls and a boy, ages 4, 9 and 12...my youngest daughter is what you would call a "high needs" child, she loves to test her limits, see how far she can push me. Don't get me wrong, she has so many amazing qualities that out weigh the bad, she is funny, sweet (when she wants to be), smart and loving, but man can she make my blood boil. I always say, "She's lucky she's so cute!" (which she is by the way)...she is just as stubborn, dare I say more so than I. Then there is my oldest daughter, she is in that pre-teen stage of life, defiant, angry and hormonal. She usually gets the brunt of my mood swings, when I'm mad at the little one or myself, she is the one who will ultimately pay for it. I know that's not fair, I know it's not right in any way, but it's unfortunately true. My son, well, he is so kind, caring, and has the biggest heart I've ever experienced, but he has his moments as well. I don't pressure or expect my children to succeed at anything other than at school, and I know it is because I didn't have that expectation from my parents when I was in a kid, therefore I didn't make good grades and continue my education. I want my children to be able to do anything with their lives, get any job they dream of...but when they come home from school scared to tell me they got a bad grade on a test or they went from an A to and B+ because mom will "blow up", well that's just not the way it's supposed to be. Every time I yell at my kids about school or anything really, I try to justify my actions by telling myself, " I am doing this for their own good, making them a more responsible person, preparing them for the real world." But that's just me making excuses, and tearing them down one at a time...and that's just not fair.

 

Unfortunately I take the anger and frustration I have with myself out on my children, not physically of course, but emotionally. I yell until the veins pop out, until my heart starts pounding and my chest hurts...what good does it do? It makes my children cry, and hang their beautiful heads in defeat, it makes me feel awful and ashamed of myself and what I have done and said. I want to change, I don't want my kids to think something is wrong when I hug them or tell them I love them out of the blue.

 

 

I love my children, I am proud of who they are and who they are becoming, I want to be the mother they deserve and not the mother they are afraid of, I don't want them to remember me as, "When mom was happy she was nice, but man, don't make her angry!" They don't need the extra pressure at home, I know they have enough on their plates at school. I don't want to be a yeller! I am trying...

 

"Pray without ceasing." 1 Thessalonians 5:17 KJV

 

 

Dear Lord, thank you for my children, they are a true blessing, help soften my stubborn heart, help me to love my children the way you love me...unconditionally, help me become a better mother to them so they will remember me as a kind, caring, loving person, thank you Lord! Amen